


Unplugged

by VintaTheOneAndOnly



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Blood and Injury, Child Soldiers, Connor Deserves Happiness, Depression, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Homelessness, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 17:10:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13276059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VintaTheOneAndOnly/pseuds/VintaTheOneAndOnly
Summary: In a world slightly different than ours Connor Murphy is missing and on the run, Evan Hansen is having anxiety attacks harder and more often than before, Alana Beck is doubting what is good and bad, Jared Kleinman is lonely and afraid and Zoe Murphy is discovering her inner badass.





	Unplugged

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at summaries just read.
> 
> Or don't.
> 
> This is my first work on this fandom so maybe it sucks, ehh, sorry if it does??
> 
> This is also my first fanfic and English is not my mother language so if it's horrible please tell me in the comments.
> 
> By the way there are many trigger warnings in this work, which are summed up in the tags, but if you can't magically read them here they are (at least for this chapter):  
> ·Panic attacks  
> ·Self-hatring thoughts  
> ·Descriptions of blood (but not too graphic)  
> ·Fist fights
> 
> Call me out if I'm missing any! And I hope you enjoy reading this as much as you can :)))))

It was a sunny Monday when Connor got out of bed, his hair extremely messy and with a trail of spittle going down his tight hoodie.

His eyes were roaming around the bedroom, util they placed their target on the door, intensely staring at it as if that way he wouldn’t have to pass through it to get out, all of this with his eyes opaque, reflecting the only feeling of misery.

Connor aimed, and failed, to start moving, but his legs didn’t respond, staying quiet because of a force bigger than Connor.

Today wasn’t going to be a good day. Not even an okay day.

Connor was tired and wanted to succumb to the urge of going to bed again, but deep down he knew this shouldn’t be the way he had to act in his bad days, so he moved. Or so he tried. He only got a little movement of his armas as an answer from his own body.

 _How pathetic_ , that noisy voices said, _how very depressing is the very depressed teen._ He didn’t even try to block it out, receiving even more mocking from the voices, and so his anger rose in the shape of tears, creating new trails on his hoodie and new scars inside of his heart. He was going to give up but the voices were louder and he was smaller every second that passed. He felt something painful in his arms, and all he could see was the darkness that surrounded him, even if it was him the one that hurt himself, he was of the hurting kind. Tear after tear he started to feel everything numb, until he could not feel.

He fell. He fell and he was sure no one listened.

 

“And so that’s how The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter goes, remember to revise the pages one hundred eighty nine to one hundred ninety two of your textbook for tomorrow’s test, also remember the essay is due next week, and, oh, Jenny, dear, close the door when you get out!”

“Actually, Mistress Hallmark, I have a question for you?”

Alana Beck stood next to the teacher, scaring her to the point she even jumped a little bit, but Alana was already used to the common surprise of people around her for her curiosity, or so she tried to tell herself.

“Beck! You scared me, lass!” Alana mentally chuckled at the name, she haven’t heard it in a while, not since…

“Mistress Hallmark I’m sorry for the fight, I really am, but I have a really concerning question in which I’ve thought about since the beginning of-“

“Beck, your lunch break's now and so is mine, so please get to the point.”

And so Alana started sweating, was she being too talkative again? Was she an annoying know-it-all again? What was she even going to ask again? _Focus, focus, focus, focus,_ that’s the mantra her mind repeated: _Connor Murphy_ , her mind found the words she’d practiced before and then she started to talk.

“Mistress, I know this doesn’t really concern me, but Connor Murphy, an acquaintance of mine, hasn’t come to school in a while, he is in this class because I saw him the first day, but not anymore after that, and as the days have passed I’ve been even more disturbed so I decided to talk with an adult responsible of the two of us in our lecture hours to see if-“

“The point, Beck”, the woman said, this time harsher and way too cold comparing to how she was in her lectures. _Hungry_ , Alana deduced, _she must be very hungry, it must go faster than planned_.

“I, well, er, you see, teacher, eh…” Alana was a loss of words, what was she saying? All the time spent on her speech, wasted by stupid human necessities. _The point, the point,_ she repeated, _the point, the point the point, the,_ “Where's Connor Murphy”

She said it so fast she couldn’t even feel her tongue as well as she did before. I must have bitten it, she thought, then she looked at her teacher, who looked back with an understanding look and something else that shone in her eyes, wait, was that pity?

“Alana,” she sat on her desk and fell into a more comfortable pose, “I know how you feel like, believe it or not, I’ve been there too, I was a nerdy girl lost in the rough arms of teenage drama, and I know very well too that every girl like me, like us, always has fallen for the eerie dark young boy that skips classes and draws skulls, we like intrigue books and those boys are truly an enigma, but don’t be blind, young lady, he doesn’t do half of the things that you think he does: dancing, reading, drawing, singing, playing instruments, once I even heard spying? Oh, if you knew how many times I’ve given this talk…” Alana zoned off, she didn’t want to hear that, she didn’t like where her teacher was trying to get, who she thought she was, what she was supposed to like… _stop_.

Alana started to imagine a life outside high school, as she always did when she felt that way, this time it featured a small and cozy apartment in the winter of a warm city, with a cat curling around her feet and a mug of hot cocoa on her hands, and the next thing she saw was a frowning Mistress Hallmark, looking to her direction as if she was looking at a hotheaded and stubborn child.

“What?” Her voice was still dizzy, she could almost grasp the fading feeling of that sweet cat on her shoes, purring calmly on her right ankle, Mistress Hallmark’s frown only grew.

“You’ll learn the hard way, young lady, like, oh so sadly, many before you.” Alana knew that that should sound sarcastic, but it felt plainly dramatical, before she could ask anything she heard a giggle close, too close to be from an outside conversation, Jenny and her friends Michelle and Emilie M, looked at her direction with amusement shining on themselves. What did just happen? Alana had the feeling of that she'd, unluckily, find out really soon.

 

Damn today was fun. Jared could only think of Michelle’s gossip of the month about Alana Beck, the one and only, who apparently, according to a video that was now on Instagram, surely 4chan, and, at this speed, maybe in findyourmeme, was really into Connor Murphy, the one and, luckily, only. 

The school nerd having a crush on the school shooter, and they said he was kinky!

He was so distracted with the memory of seeing how Beck looked dreamily to the nothing (her look was so pure and so loving that, at first, Jared even doubted if she was thinking about the druggie) that he almost didn’t pay attention to maths class, a class that he genuinely liked. It was geometry, though, fuck geometry.

He started to get out of his thinking train to his usual mess of stupid thoughts, completely dozing off the class and looking at the hallway. He spent the next twenty five minutes judging every single person that passed next to the class, and then he saw Evan, the small, little acorn that actually tripped while walking so (technically) close to him, he felt a little bit of concern, but it died soon. Fuck him too.

Maths, yeah, think about motherfucking maths, and about what’s on the motherfucking blackboard, and, stop right there, are those exercises? Like homework exercises? Shit.

Miss Chicote looks at him smugly when she sees his shock. That little shit of an AP teacher, Jared thinks and of course she dismisses the students ten minutes before the bell, and of course  Jared stays after everybody's out, copying that hellish homework while Miss Chicote gets her shit together for the next class and laughs a little bit at him. And if that humiliation didn’t give him the usual bonus behavioral point he’d fucking rip her apart. And if he was smiling a little bit too it was because he remembered some good, old meme.

Then actual hell happened.

He didn’t know who heard it first, but it was Miss Chicote the one who reacted faster, she stood up and ran to the hallway, from where the first scream came from.

 

She was so fucking done.

When she was a kid she’d dream about being able to fly like a cute, pink butterfly, now she was cute and pink, but still not able to fly.

Being seventeen is great, she was told, there were songs about it, sayings, movies, books, but she somehow was still so fucking done of being that age.

First off there was high school, where she didn’t actually intimate with anyone; then there were her parents, expecting a lot from her; then there were her grades, which would be the only thing that’d get her out of the hellhole her live was, and then there was Connor. 

Where the fuck was Connor?

Apparently in the heart of the girl she just punched, who was now trying to defense herself with her legs. That was so pathetic Zoe even forgot about her problems for two seconds. Of course it didn’t last, because one of her attempts of kicking her actually kicked her, hard, and she fell too. Then the real thing started. 

Why did she start that, you might ask yourselves. She doesn’t know either. She just knows she hates this girl who loves a fake image of the monster that torments her, who thinks that knows him when she surely just stares at him from afar.

Who, unlike her, is capable of loving Connor.

She was feeling so nice before this, playing her favorite bits of Mozart’s requiem on cello, then she received a message from that bitch she has on her contact list, Jenn, and she saw that video. The video.

 _Alana is so damn perfect, with her perfect grades, speeches, smile and social media, and she had to fall for him?_ , she thought as she made Alana bleed, _and make me the most pathetic girl in high school, 'cause I'm the closest familiar of the emo, pot-smoker Alana is infatuated with and somehow that makes me fucking inferior._

Another punch landed on her jaw, and another three landed on Alana’s arms and finally one on her forehead.

 _Maybe I'm helping her_ , Zoe thought as she hit the other girl on the nose, again. _Maybe I'm helping everybody, maybe after this nobody will get close to a Murphy and then nobody will have to get hurt by that monster,_ she started to lose focus and Alana took advance of the situation by kicking her on her knees, making Zoe punch Alana even harder on the stomach, _maybe I'm a monster too, maybe I'm helping everybody._

And then a young woman, a teacher? Separated her from the breathless girl with a nosebleed.

She didn’t put a fight with that, surely, teacher, she followed her obediently to the headmaster’s office, she sat on the waiting room while the now definitely a teacher talked with the secretary, both smiling too much for her liking. When the teacher got out of the room the secretary blushed and told Zoe to stay where she was while the headmaster ended with another reunion.

**Author's Note:**

> So that was it??? BUT FOR THE MOMENT. I already have everything planned out (and at the same time I don't???) so I'll try to update regularly. Also I feel like the narration was a little bit fast but I guess I like to write that way?? If it was off let me know!!
> 
> Btw, for if it wasn't obvious already, I don't know shit about the American educational system, just that it kinda sucks but it's still better than mine ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> And for the date of updates (how redundant), I'll try to get the next chapter done soon so I can upload next Friday (and every Friday following) [12/01/18] BUT I'M NOT REALLY SURE IF MY SCHEDULE WILL FIT THE WRITING AND EDITING SO MAYBE I'LL UPDATE LATER SORRY FOR BEING A MESS.
> 
> Feedback is really appreciated so leave a comment and/or a kudo!! Even if you're a guest!!! It's still free so nothing's stopping you (unless you hated this fic with all the rage of your soul and you're only going to give me feedback filled with hatred, I love criticism but only if it is constructive :))!


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